I always had a dream of being a Stay-At-Home Mom. In fact, on the first date I ever had with my husband I told him that my only dream was to be a mom and stay home with my family. After my first daughter was born I went back to work and mourned what I missed not being with her daily. I didn't see any of the firsts...and that was so so sad. When we went to the doctor I referred to my husband on all of the questions of her day-to-day activities because I had no idea.
When my second daughter was born I new that I couldn't physically go back to work. I prayed and prayed and figured and figured and felt that we would make it. I felt that if I quit, to do right by my kids, God would provide. The Lord has given many blessings but here I sit, car payment due tomorrow, and I can't make it. I know he is in control and I know we will be ok but I have no idea how our car payment will be made...even more....I have no idea how any bills will be paid in the month of December. I feel strongly that I wouldn't have ended up here if it wasn't going to work. I also know that God won't give us anything we can't handle. It is hard because I'm prone to worry. I'm prone to relying on myself and not on God. I'm prone to giving up.
I'm second guessing myself. I'm questioning that my actions were done out of selfishness and not out of what was best for my kids. I'm scared that what I thought was trying to do right by my kids has turned out to trying to do right by myself.
My prayer is this: I pray that the peace that passes all understanding will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. I pray that I will rely on God and that I will look to him to fill all of our needs.
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